January 25, 2005

• So, I decided to join in the Truth or Dare fun with Tyche.  Here's her Truth for me, and my answer:

  Tell us the bravest thing that you've
  done.  Was it something that somebody else witnessed?  Was it
  something you had to do for yourself?  What was the outcome of this
  event?  Did it change the way you approached things afterwards, or how
  anybody viewed you?  Tell us about it, and the impact it had on you, both
  before and afterwards.

   

  Wow.  This is a tough
  one.  Not that I am a terribly brave
  person.  In fact, I believe I am just
  average…but some people think that I’ve done some brave things in my life.

   So, what do I tell you? 
  Some of the brave/crazy things I’ve done:

   ·       
  trying out for my HS football team,

  ·       
  kicking my first husband to the curb while still
  in college and without any way to support myself,

  ·       
  pursuing my current husband until he caved and
  started dating me

  ·       
  going to law school even though I figured I wasn’t
  nearly smart enough

  ·       
  traveling to Oxford,
  England all on my own
  (planes and trains - scary when it is just you and two big suitcases)

  ·       
  opening my own law office

   And for that matter, are brave & crazy necessarily the
  same thing?  I think they must be at
  least related.

   Ok, the absolute bravest thing I’ve done has to be opening
  my own law office.  I was (and still am)
  terrified of failure.  Gut wrenchingly
  scared.  Even thinking of it now has my
  stomach in knots.

   Last year it seemed to me that I was thwarted at every turn,
  trying to find a job with a local law office. 
  I’d given myself loads of time to find work and there was nothing out
  there.  At least no one that wanted to
  hire me.  I felt about as low as you can
  get.  Here I was, having just graduated
  law school in the top 10% of my class and even getting an interview was like
  pulling teeth.

   I was on antidepressants and I was in therapy.  I seriously thought about going back to work
  for an insurance company - just giving up on the dream of practicing law.  (Don’t tell anyone, but I’d even halfway
  contemplated ending it all…I was feeling THAT depressed.)

  My therapist said, “what are you so afraid of?  It’s not really failure, it is just a
  learning experience.”  Easy for him to
  say - it isn’t his ass on the line here. 
  But in a way he was right.  So
  what if I totally screw my credit?  And
  if I can make this work?  The rewards are
  so much greater than working for someone else.

   I had plenty of prodding and support, from husband, from
  therapist, from family.  So, yes there
  have been witnesses to this.  But I’ve
  also had to take this leap all by myself. 
  I’ve had to learn to network, I’ve had to put myself on the line…the
  success or failure of this business all comes down to me.  If the business fails, it is because of
  something I did nor did not do. 

  I am still scared witless most of the time, and any time
  hubby starts asking me about future plans I get very stressed out.  However, I now know that I can run my own
  business.  After all, I’ve been doing
  this since July 2003.  And I’ve been
  paying my bills every month with money that I have earned.

   The outcome?  Only
  time will tell.  I hope to eventually
  hire some support staff and maybe a few associates too.  Turn this into more than just a sole
  practitioner office.  The really big
  dream is to get large enough to buy the building in which I am currently
  renting a suite   If this happens, I have
  big plans for expansion.

   I think this has changed the way I view myself in a big
  way.  I do feel so much more
  empowered.  I was very unhappy about
  coming to work the other day, just didn’t feel like being here.  And I thought to myself…what is wrong with
  this picture?  Why are you unhappy?  If something isn’t going right at work, then
  change it!  And if you don’t want to go
  to work, then don’t go!  Yes, very
  empowering.  And of course, I came to
  work that day.

   But I also think this has changed the way I am viewed by my
  family.  My dad is so proud of me, he’s
  fit to burst.  It’s cute.  And my mom? 
  Well, as some people may know, I’ve had problems with my mom and my nana
  for most of my life.  They always seem to
  focus more on what a person looks like than on what they have accomplished.  Now my mom is proud of what I have
  accomplished, and my weight problem and other issues don’t seem to matter near
  as much.  This is a nice result, but
  certainly not what I had expected.

   Most importantly in all of this has been the effect on me
  and on my husband.  Hubby is so
  supportive, he’s a wonderful guy.  And he’s
  really proud of me.  I can tell when he
  talks to someone about what I do.  It is
  really cute, actually.  I think he likes
  having a wife who is “a professional.” 
  He comes from a family of blue collar workers and farmers, and I think
  they don’t know quite what do with me.  Hubby has also made something major of his
  career.  He’s incredibly good at what he
  does (computer stuff), and he loves what he does too.  As for me? 
  Well, the effect on me has been very interesting.  In some ways, opening my office has been a
  very good thing.  It has made me more
  outgoing in social situations, and I’ve been forcing myself to be more engaging
  with people I’ve just met.  However, this
  forced socializing has been somewhat hard on me, since I am not always a
  naturally outgoing person.  So, my
  relationship with some of my friends has suffered, especially those friends who
  are generally negative people.  Because
  one of the areas I specialize in is family law, I get a lot of negativity in my
  work life, and I’ve had a hard time hanging around with friends who have a lot
  of drama occurring in their lives.  I’ve
  also found myself looking hard at requests for help from these same
  friends.  I’ve done some legal work for
  them in the past, and now they seem to think I am their private attorney, one
  who works for free no less.  And this has
  really tainted my view of our friendship, since every time they tell me about some
  new drama in their lives I am waiting for that inevitable request for help.

  Overall, this has been one of the best experiences of my
  life, but also one of the worst.  And I
  guess that is about all anyone can ask for, since something worth having is
  definitely worth working for.

  • 2:28 pm
  • 7 Comments